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The Bastard Dentist from Hell

Me:  Look, I know it's been a year since I had half my root canal done, I'm human after all!  If there's no pain, I won't come!  Simple!

Dentist:  Hmph.

Me:  Sigh, so how screwed am I?

Dentist:  Big problem.

Me:  You know, that makes me feel so nice and fuzzy inside...


Me:  It was a joke.  Look, never mind.  I just really really hate the injection.  Go easy all right?

He rubs my gums with some fruity stuff that tasted good, but also made my mouth and throat go numb when I swallowed it.  He then immediately took the needle and aimed for my mouth.

Me:  Whoa, wait!  Won't you wait until this takes effect?  Come on doc, haha, give it a little time!  This takes a bit for it to spread and numb the gums and stuff.  Even though my throat is kinda too numb now that it's getting hard to breathe.  Still, I feel it spreading its ... its ..numbificationer, or whatever.  Hey, wait stop!  Even Gandhi needed time from his dentist!  If he had one that is.  Hehe, that's a good one.  What?  It's a joke :)  Get it?

Dentist: ...

Me: Ok [bleep] it, gimme all you got.

He smiled his toothy smile, as if to show them off and say "nya nya, I don't have any root canaaals!"  He approached my mouth with the injection aimed and ready.

[Skip the gruesome scene]

Me:  *groan*

I reach for the cup of water with a fizzling pill inside, feeling very violated.  I could sue this guy for the sole reason of being a dentist.  I never even understood why there was a pill in that damn cup anyway?  It's not like it's hiding all the blood I'm drooling out.  My lips couldn't contain the water in my mouth, and so my new Armani Exchange shirt now looks like something out of a crime scene.  Looks pretty cool, actually!

Me:  Hey .. thok .. thok why iv there a fill im vuh..

Dentist:  Hm?

Me:  vuck it, neva minv

I decided to just keep my mouth shut.  What good it'll do to talk anyway?  Ain't like the guy had any sense of humor.  I looked into my pockets to check my mail from the iPhone and try to distract myself from the pounding gum.  Then I wondered, why don't I just listen to a podcast while he works?  I'm sure a little TWiT would do me good!

Me:  thok,  Can I liffen to thtuff while you wo .. wok .. wok....

Dentist:  ...

Me:  I affked you a quethsh .. queff ..

I couldn't even understand myself.  It was like I was injected with a cow tranquilizer, if such a thing exists.  Was he insinuating that I was a cow?!  wtf, well then, I say he's a donkey.  That thought alone brought me some measure of comfort.  Didn't last long however, the man flashed his knives and drills in such an evil way that I could swear I was in a horror movie with a 94% on rotten tomatoes.

I decided to just friggin put my headphones on and lay back, listening to good ol' Leo and  The doctor opened my mouth and started his ritual:  Preparing my mouth as a sacrificial offering for his evil dentist gods.

It was pretty damn painful, as root canals go, but this whole podcast listening was actually helpful.  As always, all good things come to an end.  In my case, a brutal end.

Leo:  So it's people who hate me?!

Dvorak:  Maybe it's all those pyjamas for all you know.

Leo wasn't happy that his interview was buried on Digg.  They were trying to figure out why. 

The doctor opened my mouth a bit wider.  There was that drill, a mirror, and a vacuum sucking thingie all in there at the same time.  I tried not to think about it.

Leo:  No no, I was wearing a smoking jacket and a smoking pipe.  I thought I was quite distinguished looking, actually.

Dvorak:  Maybe that's the reason it was banned.

Me:  hahaHA... GAARG!! 

I sat up, choking.

Me:  COUGH, COUGH, HAAAACK!!  Cough coughhhh.....

Dentist:  Relax!!!  What are you laughing about?!

Me:  coughhh, it .. cough.  He made ..*cough* .. a jhhhoke... joke.

Now that I remember, it wasn't all that funny either.

The dentist stared at me.  Was I an unusual case?  Hm.  Anyhow, I laid back down again.  I swallowed and tried to comprehend the irony of choking on my own tooth.

Dentist:  Stay still.  Please.

At least he said please.  He continued working on my mouth as I kept still.  Hmph, bossy dentists.  Who does he think he is anyway?  I'm the one in charge here.  I bet this evil minion is wearing boxers with love hearts printed on them.  Hah!

I smiled.  I wondered how silly he'd look if I put a Superman cape on him.  Haahaaahaaaha-

Dentist:  This might hurt a little.

Me:  Gurgle?

A sharp jolt shot through my jaw.  My head snapped back at the sudden pain.  A clear reminder that this heart-boxer-wearing-superman-cape-wrapping dentist was still boss around here. 


I realize this post is turning out to be quite long, so I'll cut it short:  WHOLE THING HURT!  Why, oh why do I wait until cavities reach my nerve?  The amount of pain isn't worth it, at all!   I couldn't leave the room without some amount of payback.  I stood up after he was done, feeling dull throbs in my jaw.

Me:  vank u voctor.

I stuck my hand out to shake his hand.  I'll just squeeze his hand so hard and unleash all this pain upon him!

Dentist:  Hmph.

He shook my hand.  I grinned and started to squeeze, but suddenly felt searing pain shooting up my wrist, forcing my grip to loosen.  I forgot my wrist was in pain because of all the crazy, intense drumming I did on Rock Band.  I let his hand go, gritting my teeth and forcing a smile.  Maybe I should just slap the insufferable bastard.  Knowing my luck though, I'd probably break my hand as it hit his thick head blessed by some dentist god with three heads and three testicles.

I walked out of the room holding my jaw, glad it's all over.  As I walked out, I saw a guy from work, sitting.  Lord, no...

Wael:  Bojacob!

Me:  wawewrr!

Wael:  ?

Me:  waawweerr!!

Wael:  Um, salamat!  What are you doing here?

I really couldn't talk.  I just shrugged and looked at him with sad eyes and droopy right lips.  Was I drooling?  I couldn't tell.  I couldn't feel.

Wael:  Ma tshoof shar.  I'll see you tomorrow then?

At least he was understanding.  I smiled (I think,) and moved to walk out of the clinic.

Wael:  Bojacob?

Me:  wbhuhh?

He pointed at his lip.

Wael:  Um, there's something on your lip there.

I knew it.  I walked to a mirror and saw my fat lip, along with blood seeping from the side of my mouth.  I looked like I walked out of a boxing match, which was pretty cool!  I kept the look and hurried home so I could get some sympathy from mom.  I know she hides that incredible chocolate somewhere, and I'll be damned if I don't get any today!

Get your teeth done boys n girls :(  Root canals aren't fun, at all.  I've got 9 teeth to fix before they reach the point of no return.  I'm trying to find the courage and a good doctor.  Recommendations are welcome!  (private, public, expensive, I don't care.)

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Reader Comments (7)

Salamaaat, Matshofshi we7ish ya khoya ;)

October 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBoshmes

Salamat! :D

October 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSwair

That was gruesome. Congrats.

October 13, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter3baid

Either Dr.Ahmad Al Jassim or Dr. something Al-Binali both are located in 3yadat il-fay7a (bilmustaw9if) mashala they're great but call in before hand for an appointment and to see if they still do root canals.... oh and they might have transferred elsewhere, the reception shud be able to notify u....

matshof shar bojacob, itgoom bisalama inshala:)

October 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterL.R.643

That was hilarious. I'm so sorry for laughing at your misery but that was "bloody brilliant".

I never thought of listening to a podcast (or an iPod in general) while having my teeth fixed. I'll just make sure not to listen to something funny, cuz it's quite bad what happened to you LOL.

And cannot help you there with the dentist recommendations, buddy. So far, I've been doing them in the States but I did have my own share of crazy dentists.

Salamat and keep us updated in Twitter. It's been awhile :)

October 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngelo

Boshmes: il shar ma ygeek yakhooya!

Swair Allah yesallemek ya bint!

3baid: allah yebarek feek ya sa3at il baaaih!

L.R.643: il shar ma eyeech :) I don't think they allow me to go to any mostaw9ef. I'm stuck with Khaldeya I believe since I live in Yarmouk. I don't need any more root canals (if I keep things as they are though, I'll have to.) Let me call and see. Thanks :)

Angelo: It was meant to be funny :) And I appreciate the concern :p. As for twitter, well I'm having a tough time keeping the damn thing updated. SMS thingies don't even work anymore ba3ad.

October 13, 2008 | Registered CommenterBojacob

I thought all dentists are from hell

October 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBashar

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