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Friday
Dec262008

International Clinic: The Musical

*tap tap*

Dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum

We walked around the Avenues
Lookin' around for a bunch of shoes
'till he finally broke the news
Of great International Cliniiiiiiic

I explained my hate for needles
He said he hated the Beatles
But in his senseless drivels
He said "International Cliniiiiiiic"

He tells me of this new syringe
Hearing the word just makes me cringe
But he says that it won't really twinge
All in International Cliniiiiic

Fix my teeth without blood-shed
We raised our arms like baked pot heads
"But how?"  I said.  "Because, " he said
[Both]
It's the great International Cliniiiiiic!

[Background music continues:  dum-de-dum]

Me:  You're telling me I can get my teeth all done without all the damn needle pain?

Abdul:  That's right!  The anesthesia injection doesn't really hurt at all.

Me:  You've gotta be kidding.  That would fix all my problems entirely!

Abdul:  It's like a little beeping machine they use that pumps juice for 2 minutes or something.

Me:  Your knowledge of the subject is astounding!

Abdul:  It's the International Clinic man!

Me:  Then that's it.  That's where I'm going.  And that's where all my tooth problems will go!

[All the people in the Avenues raise arms]
He's going to the International Cliniiiiiiiic!

dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de

One geek night I got a fright
During my move of a gigabyte
Worrying that my tooth will bite
Time for International Cliniiiiiiiic

I drove my car to Salmeya
Dodging trucks and a blue Honda
Until I saw a cool hula
[Building dancing and singing]
"Me great International Cliniiiiic!"

I walked inside, my lips went dry
My heart just stopped I thought I'd die
But they looked at me with great deep pride
[Receptionists throwing confetti and singing]
"Here's the International Cliniiiiiiiic!"

The nurse showed up and showed me in
The doc sat up and hid his grin
He sat me down and held a pin
Chair of International Cliniiiiiiic!

"Doc, oh doc" I said weakly
"Anesthetics are just beastly,
could you do the machine thingy?"
Confusion in International Cliniiiiiiiiic

He got the machine but looked confused
I sat back and prepared for abuse

[Music stops]
Dentist:  Um, well, ok.

[Music starts again]
Said the doc of the International Cliniiiiiiiic!

The needle went in but not too far
The machine pumped juice but not too hard
The pain was there but no crowbar
Machine of the International Cliniiiiiiiiic!

He drilled and picked and [bleeped] my tooth
and [bleeped] and [bleeped] and [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
then he [bleeping] [bleeped] his [bleep]
[bleeping]
International Cliniiiiiiiic

Two short minutes and he was done
I stood up, drooled, and prepared to run
But being me, I need my fun
Funny International Cliniiiiiiiiic

"Doc" I said as I shook my chills
"You're as good as my rhyming skills.
Machine thingie was filled with thrills!"
Flattering International Cliniiiiiiiiiiiic

He looked at me with confused eyes
I continued on with my string of lies
"The pain was short and-

Doc:  Um, why did you want the anesthetic?  You didn't need it.

.....

.....dum-de-dum-de

What the hell, was he on grass?
I felt the need to kick his-

Doc:  You didn't need the anesthetic needle.  It was just a small cavity.

[Music falling, instruments messing up and stopping]

Me:  What ... what do you mean?

Doc:  I could have done it without the machine's needle if I went slow.

Me:  What?!  Then ...then why did you inject me and make me go through that pain?

Doc:  Uh, well.

Me:  Weeell?

Doc:  Um ...because you told me to.

.......

[People inside building stare at camera]

.......

[People of the Avenues stare]

.......

[Lemur stares]

.......

.......

[Chorus finale]
SCREW YOU INTERNATIONAL CLINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!

[BADUM BAAAAM!]

Tuesday
Dec162008

Let Me SLEEP!!

Lovely, non-discussable dream.

Alarm Clock: BRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Lazy arm reaching forward and hitting SNOOZE button on top.

Alarm Clock: tick, tock, tick, tock

Wrap covers and begins disliking work

5 minutes pass

Alarm Clock: BRRIIIIIIIIIII-

Reflex hit of SNOOZE button

Alarm Clock: tick, tock, tick, tock

Groan and close eyes

5 minutes pass

Alarm Clock: BRIIIIIIIIIII…….

Hand quickly goes to hit SNOOZE button, but Alarm Clock goes quiet on its own.

Alarm Clock: …..tick, tock

Confused, but retracts arm.

Alarm Clock: BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…..

Reflex attack of SNOOZE button, but again, Alarm Clock goes quiet before hitting button.

Alarm Clock:  …….tick, tick..

“wtf?” appears over head.

Alarm Clock:  tock, tick……….

Hand still hovers over SNOOZE button.

Alarm Clock: …tick………BRII-

Hand smashes SNOOZE button.

Alarm Clock: ……..tick, tock, tick

Goes back to bed, smiles, and blames China for possessed alarm clocks.

Wonders what dream was about.

Alarm Clock: tick, tock……..bbrrrrrr…..brrrrr

Palm smacks forehead

Alarm Clock: brrrrrrrrr….brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……..tick, tock

Alarm Clock went quiet. Hand ready to smack SNOOZE button hard.

Alarm Clock: ……tock..

Eerie silence. World slows.

Alarm Clock: ……tick………

Tick echoes

Alarm Clock: …..............…tock..

Tumbleweed rolls.

Alarm clock: BRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

SMASH SNOOZE BUTTON!!

Alarm Clock: ..BRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

SMASH SNOOZE BUTTON HARDER!!

Alarm Clock: .....BBRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH CURSE CURSE!!! Alarm Clock falls violently on floor.

Alarm Clock: ding.. ring ..

Realizes with horror the Alarm Clock is out of reach!

Alarm Clock: ring … rriiiiing ..

Don't you dare!

Alarm Clock: … RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGNNYAAAANYAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Gets out of bed and kicks the living daylights out of Alarm Clock

Alarm Clock: RRIRRIGNIAAAAAAAAAIGIGIGIGIGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGIGINGGG

Kicks the piece of crap against the wall.

Alarm Clock: ..dung …

Now wide awake. Takes another look at Alarm Clock

Alarm Clock: ………….

Jumps back in bed with throbbing pain in foot.

Alarm Clock: ………….

Just doesn’t want to go to work today. Closes eyes. Remembers dream.

Maid: *knocks on door* Babaaaaaa?

Fists clench

Maid: I make your rooooom. It’s seben portyyyyyyy!

High pitched complaining

Maid: I … make room later then.

Ferverent agreement.

Maid: oki dokii

Determines he’s going to sleep if it kills him.

iPhone SMS: DIIING.

Wants to jump out of window now.

Alarm Clock: ……..tick, tock, tick..

Constant worry about SMS sender

Gets up and checks SMS.

SMS from G: Hi can you call me when u wake up thanks

Pure.  Hatred.

Alarm Clock: … tick, rrrrrr..rrrrr

Eyes Alarm Clock in disbelief!

Maid: *knock knock*

Alarm Clock: …BRRRRRIIIIANAIIIIIINNNNNG

Maid: BABAAA! YOUR MAMA SAY WAKE UP WORK!

iPhone: DIIIINGGG!!!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa#@$@#$@#

Goes to work :(

Wednesday
Dec102008

Found the Chin... er, Japanese Cat!

You know, now that I look at the thing, it freaks me out.  It’s 4am here too, bad time for this.

 

And they left me the cutest note there is!

It says:

Cat brings you very best wishes may happity & happy hocks be with you forever.

You know, I feel lucky already!  I’ll be getting happity & happy hocks!  I KNOW that’s good, whatever it is!

Tuesday
Dec092008

That Damn Chinese Cat

Where could I ever find those freakin’ chinese cats?  Especially the one that waves for you.  All I seem to find are the stationary ones.

Ah, there’s a shop, but I was approached by two girls, no older than 13.

Girl 1:  Excuse me, do you know where the exit is?

I can’t even find my way home in Kuwait.  Kuala Lumpur?  I can’t find my way to the bathroom.

Me:  I’m sorry.  I have no idea where I am myself.

Girl 1:  Ok, thank you.Chinese Lucky Cat

And they proceeded to argue with each other.  I was surprised at how gutsy they were at this age.  Their heads could only reach up to my elbow, but then again, I’m pretty damn tall in the first place.

I turned to the gift shop and went back to my mission.  I found the shopkeeper, an elderly Chinese-looking woman.

Me:  Excuse me, do you have that cat .. thing?  Chinese cat?

Shopkeeper:  haaa?

Me:  The chinese cat.  It’s a cat that holds its hands like this?

I held my hand up and rolled it into a paw.  All I got back was a blank look.

Me:  Cat!  Cat, you know cat?  Cat!  Meow!  Meowww?  *meows*

I felt just a little ridiculous.

Shopkeeper:  Ahhhh!

Me:  Yes, finally!  Do you have it?

She set off and rummaged through a basket, then produced a stuffed ugly cat.

Me:  No no, see it’s Chinese cat thing-  graaar how do I explain this?!

Girl 1:  Need help?

I looked around for the squeaky voice.

Girl 1:  Down here.

Me:  Oh, heh, sorry.  Well yeah, I’m looking for the Chinese cat thing with its paw like this?

Girl 2:  Ahh!  Yes I know it.

Me:  Oh thank you lord!

The girl only spoke one word to the shopkeeper, and suddenly the shopkeeper’s eyes lit up.

Shopkeeper:  Ahhhh!! hahahaa

She laughed hard and gave my arm a sharp slap.

Me:  Yes!  Yes… ow.. ok.

The two girls had giggle fits at my expense.  Ah well, small price to pay to get the damned thing.  I don’t even know why I wanted it anymore.  The old lady dug into her large basket once more.  She could pull anything out of the damn basket.

Shopkeeper:  Ahhh ha!

She pulled out a clay cat with the paw raised.  Yup, that was it, but it doesn’t look like the arm moved.

Me:  Ahhh, very nice, but-

Shopkeeper:  Fu

Me:  ‘Scuse me?

Shopkeeper:  Fu.  Fu.

Me:  Um, that doesn’t sound very nice? 

Girl 2:  What?

Girl 1:  Ohhh, I think she means luck!

Me:  Oh the cat.  Heh well, I need the one with the moving arm.

Girl 1:  Ahh, I see.

Me:  Yes, um, ma’am?  You see, I need the hand to move like this?

I moved my “paw” back and forth.  Once again, she gave me a blank look.  The girls proceeded to giggle again.  I could just step on those little twerps if they weren’t helping me.

Me:  Like this?  No?  Back, forth, back, forth?  My arm is getting tired here.

Finally, one of them mercifully stepped in to my rescue.  Once again, she uttered a single word.  Instead of her eyes lighting up however, her features darkened and she gave me a stern look.  She turned to the girl and spoke to her, then put the cat away in the basket.

Girl 1:  She doesn’t like the mechanical cats.

Me:  Um, wow.  I noticed.  I knew eyes could speak, but the damn things yelled at me!

The joke flew over her head.  Good thing too.  That one ranked 0 on the laugh-o-meter.

Me:  So uh, why not?  I’d buy one if she had any.  Is it because they run out of battery quick?

The girl asked the lady.

Me:  Or maybe perhaps it breaks down too easily.  Hm, that’s possible.

The shopkeeper spoke back to the girls.

Me:  Oh, oh, I see!  She’s out of stock!  Right?

Girl 2:  She says they’re fake.  They don’t bring you luck.

Me:  Do what?

Girl 2:  They don’t have enough spirit power.  They won’t bring you luck.

Me:  …..what?

Girl 1:  The cats, they bring luck.

Those who know me pretty much know I’m a huge skeptic.  I looked incredulously at the tiny girls.  They only shrugged back at me.

Me:  I’m actually really down on luck lately.  So you’re saying it’s because of all the mechanical stuff I have?  I mean I have hard disks, fans, keyboards, french maids.

Girl 1:  What?

Me:  French fries.

Girl 1:  Oh.

Damn, she actually caught that?  Youngsters these days…

Girl 2:  You’re hungry too?

At least one of them is oblivious.

Me:  … uh .. well, yes actually.. but the..

Why am I explaining myself to 13 year olds?

Me:  Oookay.  Well then, I think we best be out of here don’t you think?

The shopkeeper’s eyes followed me out.  I stared back and lifted my paw up, opening up my hand so that my fingers looked like claws. 

Me:  Meowrrrr, rarrrrwrrrwrrr.dd

I mimicked an attack, making ridiculous sounds once more as I walked out.  My head promptly banged on the head of the door, creating a lovely welt on my forehead.  I shut up, walked out, swallowed my pride, and tried my best to ignore the stifled giggles of those two hobbits, along with the roaring laughter of the shopkeeper. 

Did those damn cats really work?  Or is that what I get for being an ass? :(

Ah well, memories :)  That’s the best part.  I actually stuck around with those two kids and have some more stories, but that’s for the next post!

All in all, I’m really loving my vacation here.  Why in the world do people go to Europe when Kuala Lumpur beats the pants out of any European city I’ve seen?  This is one of the very few vacations I’ve enjoyed.  I’ll explain why in my review post :)

UPDATE: Kevin Riley mentioned in the comments that it’s actually a Japanese cat.  I’m sorry for any offended cats.  I could just see the LOLcats brigade hacking this site…

Thursday
Dec042008

Traveling Material

It seems like it’s gonna take 12 frikkin’ hours to get to our destination, therefore I made this list the linux vi editor for no apparent reason.

To Do List, in vi

Let’s not talk about why in God’s name am I using a Linux command line text editor via ssh on Vista.  I’m more into what the hell I’m gonna do for those 12 hours! 

So far I’ve loaded Lunar 1 and 2 on my PSP.  That RPG is just… damn.

I’ve loaded the “Nightfall” audiobook by Isaac Asimov.  For those of you who don’t know who that is, read this short story to get a glimpse of his insane mind.  Trust me, it’s mind bendingly amazing.  He’s the guy behind the 3 laws of robotics in “I, Robot.”

Plenty of Diggnation podcasts, This Week in Tech, and a laptop to play around with.

Did I get everything?  I feel like I’m missing something pretty important.

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